


Breaking Point

by MaddieandChimney



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: F/M, and also death, and car accident, not angsty at all right??, tw: mentions of domestic violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-27
Updated: 2020-05-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:48:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24410839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaddieandChimney/pseuds/MaddieandChimney
Summary: There were a million and one things that could have been so different, and he was thankful for every experience that he had post-rebar. But he had moved on.He thought he had moved on.
Relationships: Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han
Comments: 1
Kudos: 8
Collections: Madney One-Shots





	Breaking Point

"I don't need, or want help, what I want is for you to get the fuck away from me."

When she flinched, he almost regretted his words, _almost_. But, right then, he needed her to leave. He had never wanted to be more alone than he had right then because he could feel himself breaking. His entire body was shaking, the tension in his stomach and chest seemed to be getting heavier with each passing second and his head was pounding from the intensity in which he was trying to hold back the tears.

He needed to be alone.

The look on her face already told him that she wasn’t willing to leave him. Just as he never did when she needed him the most – the nights he had spent holding her after a nightmare, the duvet days they spent together when she didn’t feel like leaving the safety of the apartment, even just the moments he held her as she cried because sometimes, somethings were just _too_ much for her to handle. Like what he was going through right then.

“I need you to leave.” He managed to gasp out, between deep breaths, “I need you to go, okay? I need... I need space and I need… I need you not to be here right now, do you understand?”

The tears that rolled silently down her cheeks before she took a step towards him, was enough of a warning sign that she understood but she wasn’t going to be walking out of that door anytime soon. “I can’t leave you like this, you’re scaring me.”

“And that’s why I need you to leave!” The frustration was rising, why couldn’t she just listen to him? Why couldn’t she see how close he was to breaking down and how much he didn’t want that to be in front of her? He had never felt such an intense amount of anger, sadness and guilt all wrapped into one ugly mixture, ready to burst at any given moment. Bobby had sent him home straight away, Buck must have sent a warning message or call to his sister because the moment he had walked through the door, she had been waiting for him.

She wasn’t moving.

But he was. His knees buckled beneath him, before he let out a heartbroken sob, his hands moving to cover his face from the woman he had so longed to be strong for. It was everything, it was all too much – a combination of the fact Hen had left him to become a doctor, Maddie was bringing a brand new life into a terrifying world full of pain and suffering that they both bore witness to most days, and then the thing that had tipped him over the edge of the cliff side he had already been teetering on the edge of.

Rebar. He had moved on; he had come to accept the near-death experience he had as something he had needed to remind him that life could be good. Perhaps if it hadn’t happened, he wouldn’t have had the confidence he needed to knock on Maddie’s door under the guise he was bringing her a house-warming gift. Or perhaps, if it hadn’t had happened, he wouldn’t have realised he didn’t need to be anyone other than who he was, and he’d still be the same miserable, fake, people-pleasing person he had been back then. There were a million and one things that could have been so different, and he was thankful for every experience that he had post-rebar. But he had moved on.

He thought he had moved on.

Until the sight of a dead man with a rebar through his head forced everything he had thought he accepted, to return. Chimney could barely remember anything after he had run over to the smashed car, the rookie not too far from behind him, neither of them knowing what they were about to see. Hen’s replacement had no clue of the impact, whilst moving instead to treat the passenger who was still breathing, who still had hope. It was Eddie who had to step in for Chimney, when Bobby had quickly pulled him away from the scene, promising him that he would be okay. All he could think about was how much he wished Hen was by his side. How maybe it would have been easier if he had his best friend – she had only been gone for five days, and this was what he was faced with.

If this was the reality of post-Hen 118, he wasn’t sure he was ready for it.

He could sense the hesitation from his pregnant girlfriend, before she dropped to her knees beside him and wrapped both her arms around him. The tension in her body spoke volumes, but the way the tension immediately eased the moment he wrapped both his arms around her, spoke even louder. The sobs came hard and heavy, each one heaving as his grip on her tightened. The guilt of putting it all on her shoulders was almost enough to force him to pull away, wanting to protect her from his darkest moments, so she would feel safe with him always. But instead, the moment Maddie felt him move back in the slightest, she gripped him even tighter.

“It’s okay, you’re okay,” She kept whispering in his ear, her hands curled tightly around the back of his shirt as he wept. He wasn’t sure how long it had been before the sobs began to turn into desperate gasps for air, only pulling back from the safety of Maddie’s arms in an attempt to catch his breath. “I love you,” Those were the words he needed to hear, she didn’t say them often, not nearly as often as he did but he understood why. He supposed it gave the words more impact at the exact moment when he really needed to hear them. Doing the job just enough to calm him down before he felt that familiar bile running up the back of his throat.

He had expected it, it happened in those moments reserved only for the greatest of anxiety, it was rare and one of the many reasons he had wanted Maddie to leave. He still hadn’t left himself enough time to pull fully away from her before the remains of his lunch spewed out onto the front of Maddie’s top. She didn’t even flinch, there was no look of disgust on her face as he stared at her, ashamed. “I’m s-sorry… I’m so sor-“ The tears that had previously died down were starting again, he hated himself for not pushing her out of the door so she wouldn’t have to see him like this, but he also hated himself because he hadn’t realised just how much he needed her until she had refused to leave.

The stench of vomit was clear in the air, and Maddie’s eyes were full of nothing but worry for the man she loved so much. She hushed him, before her hands moved to the bottom of her top, carefully lifting it over her head, revealing the tiny baby bump that was already forming. “I-I survived…” He managed to get out, his voice quiet and weak before his hand reached out to touch her stomach, “I just don’t… the one thing I keep coming back to is why me and not someone else? And… seeing the… seeing what Bobby and Buck must have seen that night… but he was dead by the time we got there. I still don’t understand why.”

Maddie understood, probably more so than most people would – the first victim of domestic violence she had treated when she was a nurse, had forced her to run to the nearest bathroom and throw up the contents of her breakfast. The first victim she had _lost_ had ended with Doug throwing her down the stairs after she had somehow gathered enough confidence to pack a bag and tell him she was leaving because she didn’t want to die. So, she could understand the impact seeing what could have been, and in Chimney’s situation, probably what _should_ have been. “I ask myself the same thing, too… why did I survive and so many others don’t? And there’s no clear-cut answer, but I’m glad you did, Howie. You’re here, and because you’re here, this one’s here.”

Her hand moved over to where his was on her bump, knowing nothing she could say would remove the image of what he had seen from his mind. Buck had quickly phoned her whilst Bobby had driven Chimney home, the fear in his own voice evident as he told her what had happened. She’d only had five minutes to prepare herself before he had walked through the door. “Let me take care of you, for once, okay?”

He hesitated, before he gave a small nod of his head, and she moved her hand to gently wipe at the traces of sick remaining on his chin. “What’s going to help you right now? After a shower because… I love you but you’re a hot mess.” The attempt of a joke was enough to ease all the fears Chimney had about appearing weak in front of her, just enough for him to give her a small smile, through the sudden exhaustion he felt. His eyes felt heavy, his heart even more so, but he was also grateful that his attempts to push her away had failed.

“Sleep… cuddles… then maybe… we can talk about it?” He hated how feeble he sounded and felt right then, but the fact she was still there, completely accepting of everything he was, alleviated at least some of the pain. Despite the overwhelming sadness he felt, he still couldn’t help the small smile that crossed his face, “And you’ll… shower with me? I kinda… threw up on you.”

Her eyes rolled, but she still held out her hand once she had moved to stand up, “Kinda? You completely threw up on me. Come on, baby, I got you this time.” Her voice was soothing when he managed to stumble his way up, her hand quickly moving to gently run her fingers along the scar on his forehead. A stark reminder of what could have been, how different their lives could have been. 


End file.
